For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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