Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
