yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
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