there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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