The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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