Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My life is pants optional.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
