he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
