I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
