never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
