dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
