My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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