Well douche your snatch and let's go!
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
