Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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