sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize