Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
