you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize