just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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