we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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