if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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