I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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