the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
