Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize