Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
