Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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