She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
