Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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