She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
