I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
