i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
