I just pynch a tree in the face
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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