so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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