Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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