When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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