You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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