If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
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