I wish I only lived at night.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
