and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
