Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
