I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
