i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
