i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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