Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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