its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
