remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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