If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
