I wish I could teleport
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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