she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
