we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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