Swine flu. Run for my life!
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
