We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Operation Purity has been aborted
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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