you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
