I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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