Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
