Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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