I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize