I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
