I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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