I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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