Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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