Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
