I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
